St. John's Wort???

I was at my follow up check up yesterday with my primary doctor. It took a long time for me to actually see my actual doctor. The other times I had to see the resident doctors and they never really made me feel comfortable. One of the resident even prescribed me some BP meds even after I pleaded to diet and exercise first and also told her about my anxiety issues. She insisted I take my prescription, took it and threw it in the garbage and started my diet and exercise. The other resident I saw never looked at me in the eye and he fidgeted so much that it made me so nervous and anxious. That same resident doctor did an EKG and told me that he saw a "little something" but provided no further explanation just told me not to worry as the "big" picture looks good. So I asked no further questions and went about my way and was anxious about my heart since.

My therapist advised me to make an appointment with my actual doctor even if it takes months to get in..(i did) and I am so glad that I did. He made me feel so comfortable and I was able to ask him all the questions that I couldn't ask the other two doctors that I saw in his office. He even showed me the EKG that the previous doctor did and explained it to me and told me not to worry. He also asked if I started taking the BP meds that the other doctor prescribed and I said no and he was actually glad that I didn't. He even offered me some advised about my anxiety and asked me if I would be willing to try St. John's Wort to help me with my anxiety. I told him that I would but I have my reservations like I have reservations with all other things. He assured me that it was all natural and okay to take.

I bought a bottle of it but not quite sure if I really want to take it or not?!???! I have been reading up on it online (I know bad bad bad) and so far I haven't read anything too negative about it....Maybe I'll try it over the weekend and see if helps me with my mood.

it's been awhile...

and today is an exceptionally tougher day. I felt a little anxious last night before leaving work and woke up a bit anxious this morning. Since I got in the office, I have been concentrating on my heart (again). I have noticed that every time I end my menstrual cycle I get into this little funk...It's probably my hormones. I wish this day was over with already. I just want to go home and bury myself under my blankets.

In the mean time I'm trying to listen to Dr. Claire Weekes to get my concentration out of my heart area and occupy my mind. Hopefully my afternoon walk will help me get through the remaining part of the day. I really need to get out of this funk. My blood pressure is slightly high this morning and I think that's making me worry as well. I hope that my check up on Tuesday will make things a lot better when the doc tells me there's nothing to worry about. Reassurance always helps alleviate my physical symptoms..so sad, but true.

I wish I had better things to write today...perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. I hope you're day is better than mine!!!

GRATITUDE

When my battle with anxiety started, my whole world turned upside down. Because of it I became a different person. I am no longer the happy go lucky person that I used to be. I no longer enjoy spending time with family and friends because I fear that my anxiety might blow up at any time. The simplest task has become so difficult to do. I am missing so much in my life, in my son's life and the people around me whom I care for and love.

I no longer feel my gratitude. Instead of pondering on what I am currently feeling I should really show my gratitude and be thankful for still being here, having a great family, having a great god, friends, my hands, my feet, my ears, my eyes..well you get the point...I hope from this day forward when negative thoughts or feelings come passing through I can replace them with my gratitude and just remember the great things I still have in my life.

"Look at what you have left in your life, never look at what you have lost. At a time of sorrow you are so overwhelmed and swamped by the shock and pain and the grief that you are not even conscious of the JOYS that are alive deep under that blanket of grief. Determine to uncover your smothered joys and let them breathe and flourish again! There are many things that you are still thankful for even though you do not feel your gratitude. Begin by reminiscing. Relive your HAPPY memories. Treat yourself to replays of that great collection of joyful experiences that have occurred in your past. There are many wonderful things that happened to you in life."

mentally and physically exhausted

The past week has been rather tough. It literally felt like I was back to square one. My muscles are aching, I'm feeling all sorts of weird sensations and my mind is on over drive. The worst part is I believe this all started from one single physical sensation that carried on all week and completely sensitized me. It's been a struggle trying to get out of this rut.

Last night after shutting the lights off and saying my prayer I started to scare myself. I was telling myself "I think I'm dizzy" then I actually started feeling some sensation and I thought that it would totally blow out of proportion but I managed to shut it off before it got worst and managed to have a good night's rest.

I know I'm not suppose to question things because I believe when I do start questioning I start to fight what I'm feeling therefore it causes me to have anxiety. But sometimes I can't help but question if this is going to be my life from now on...Constant battle within myself. I know I may just be saying this now because I am not at my best but it does cross my mind once in a while and it scares me.

I know that I will never get my old self back again but how can I manage the new me? Perhaps I haven't truly accepted my anxiety as I thought I have.

gloomy tuesday

literally!!! we were blessed to see the sun yesterday but it didn't stay long hopefully the sun will decide to join us again soon but we are expecting rain again on the forecast :( despite of the gloomy day I managed to take a walk during my lunch hour which helped me released some of the tension I have been feeling today. Today is a little better than yesterday. I felt slightly anxious earlier and was breathing from my chest. I'm feeling a little better at the moment and hopefully it will continue on when I get home from work. I can't exactly pinpoint the cause of my edginess the last few days. I can't recall anything triggering it perhaps it's just my hormones? or is it me adding extra fear to my initial fear and my body is overreacting to it. Whatever it is I hope it doesn't welcome it stay any longer.

I'll take another walk this evening to the grocery store with the hubby to avoid sitting around in our room and pondering on my feelings and thoughts.

Wheeeeewwww this is so tough..sometimes it feels like everytime I take a step forward it pushes me 10 step back! i'll try not to let it discourage me....gotta keep on fighting on!

monday blues.........

Tough morning so far. Tough pass few days to be exact. The weather on my end has been rainy and cold. Today is the first day that we have seen the sun since last week. I don't know if that has anything to do with my mood. Friday we had freezing rain and I came in to work a bit anxious. I got through my 4 hour shift and went about my errands afterwards. During my errands I was able to steer my anxious thoughts and sensations aside and managed to see a movie in the evening despite of the uneasiness. Most of my Saturday morning was spent laying around and I managed to get up late afternoon to have dinner out with my boys and to catch my nephew's football game. During dinner I was focusing on what I "think" is dizziness and managed to give myself a little bit of a headache. I was feeling off balance during the game and still focusing on what I am feeling. It was uncomfortable but I managed to get through the evening and tried my best to have a good time.

I spent my whole Sunday laying in bed. I wasn't feeling anxious but I think after the past few days my body and my mind was exhausted and just wanted to lay around and do nothing. I did just that and I was able to have a good night's rest.

I got up this morning already dreading my day ahead. Perhaps it is what's causing my anxiousness. I have been feeling a little dizzy here and there and I'm trying really hard to divert my attention to something else besides what I am physically feeling. I truly just want to go home and curl up under the blanket but I think I'm going to try to stick this one out. I'm not going to let my anxiety get the best of me today. I'm a bit fearful of it, but I think I can calm it down. It's the physical sensation that I hate but hopefully that too will soon subside.

Going for an afternoon walk despite of feeling uneasy...I know it will make me feel better.

I hope your day is better than mine...

sensitized

Yikes! as I am writing this I literally feel a little bit sensitized. After coming back from my lunch hour walk I started to feel a little anxious :( Not really sure what triggered it but I'm trying to just accept it and write and let the sensations past. The last week has been very busy. The family and I traveled to Minnesota for the weekend to visit family and that went quite well. I didn't feel anxious at all. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it considering the lack of sleep and exercise. Coming back to work yesterday wasn't bad at all. I didn't feel any anticipatory anxiety in the morning and went about my day and enjoyed the evening at home. I wasn't able to get much sleep last night because of some late night t.v. and waiting for my other half to come home from hanging out with his friends. Maybe my slight feeling of anxiety is coming from my lack of sleep? perhaps from worrying about getting sick as everyone around me in the office are sneezing and coughing? who knows but hopefully it doesn't extend it's welcome too long. (slowly breathing in and out)

Hopefully this friend of mine doesn't linger through the evening. I'll be sure to get the much needed rest this evening and do some muscle relaxation. I am feeling some muscle soreness around the shoulder/back area. I should also get back to listening to Eckhart Tolle's The power of now to get more relaxation. My listening has been put off while traveling over the weekend.

I'm slightly feeling a little better...2 hours closer to the much needed relaxation.....breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out....

I hope you're day is better than mine :)

busy busy busy bee...

The last few days has been busy busy busy..We spent our weekend in Ohio visiting family. It was a nice getaway to get my mind busy with other things other than my own worried thoughts. I was a bit anxious but I still managed to enjoy the short trip with my family. I kept myself occupied in the car by listening to Dr. Weekes's CD...

Dr. Weekes's voice is so reassuring and calm but yet very firm. Listening to her CD really made me feel as if she was talking to me directly. She spoke about how most of the fear that anxiety sufferers have continues because we add on more fear to our initial fear..Hence all the weird sensations and sometimes panic. She also talked about how to truly accept your anxiety and let your body go through the sensations and remind ourselves that it will all soon go away. I know that most of us at this point already know this....but it's always good to be reminded...Her CD is probably one of the things I will carry with me at all times and listen to.

I am now starting to listen to Eckhart Tolle's "The power of now" so far so good...his voice is also soothing....I heard many great things about his book and I'm hoping to gain a lot from it....

I hope you're having a great week so far....

Dr. Claire Weekes

Happy Friday! the last few days has been better. I've had a few bouts but I was able to accept it and let my body go through the sensation. I'm slowly learning more to truly accept my anxiety rather than saying that I do accept it. Thanks to Dr. Claire Weekes! I have been listening to her CD "Pass through Panic" the last day or so and I must say that it is truly great. I can listen to it over and over again. I have learned a lot from the first CD and I am looking forward to listening to the other one over the weekend. Her voice alone is so soothing. I truly recommend it!

So far I have been very consistent (for the most part) with my diet and exercise the last two weeks and I have to say that it truly helps with my anxiety. Although it doesn't completely eliminate everything but it plays a big role in my recovery. I'm hoping to be able to stay consistent. I have also been reading up on a lot of blogs and came across some wonderful ones! It's so good to know that there are so many ways of reaching out to others who suffers the same issues. It is also a blessing that these people are gracious enough to respond to my comments and give great advice and coping tools. I truly appreciate it.

My goal for this weekend is to make it as good as last weekend. I'm sure thoughts and sensations are going to pass through here and there but I am okay with it. I will do my best not to fear them and be patient when they do come and remind myself that it will not harm me and that it will go away....

I hope your week was great and that your weekend will be even greater!

Indeed a better day...

than yesterday! despite of my lack of sleep I am feeling a little better today than yesterday. Although I was feeling a little bit anxious yesterday I still managed to take a walk during lunch and enjoyed the fall weather. The walk helped me get through the remaining part of my working hours.

I had a short burst of anxiety last night when I felt a tingly, prickling sensation under my right armpit that lasted for a mere 5 seconds. Needless to say I worried about it the whole night. (sigh) But I am definitely feeling better today despite off...

I know it may seem as I am getting no where despite of facing my fears etc..but I really do feel a lot better than when this whole thing started. I'm learning how to calm myself down and face my anxiety when they do come. I am still fearful of them but I'm starting to really think that I am a lot braver than I thought I was. Even if it doesn't feel like it's getting better I know it is better now than it was before. I'm just praying for more patience. I know it's going to take time but there are moments where I don't know what to do with myself anymore but when I have those moments I have learned to accept it and remind myself that it is going to get better shortly...

Hopefully the rest of the day stays calm. I was hoping to get the Cd's I ordered online of Dr. Claire Weekes and Echart Tolle but it hasn't came....I can't wait to listen to them..

Does anyone else feel these random sensations that I do?

I hope your day is good!

Queezy Monday

The weekend was great. I promised myself that I was not going to lay around like I did last weekend. Friday I treated myself for a manicure and a pedicure right after work. I usually get a little anxious during a mani and pedi (not sure why) but I managed to just take a deep breathe and relax. Afterwards, I waited for my son to get home from school. I waited in the driveway to prevent myself from going inside the house and go straight to our bedroom to lay down. When my son arrived from school, I asked if he would like to spend some time with me and go to the mall. We did just that for a few hours and managed to run a few errands. When we finally got home, my other half arrived from work and asked if I would like to have a "date" night. I know this is his way of him helping me. I usually say no to the "date" nights but as promised to myself I went. We went out to dinner had a few drinks and enjoyed myself. I usually have a good time when I do get myself out. The most difficult task is getting myself out really.

The next day I decided to get up early in the morning and not lay around and watch t.v. as we know laying around really gives me a lot of time to be anxious. I got up and started working on the laundry. Not my favorite thing to do but I wanted to get my mind off things. I had anxious thoughts here and there but I managed them. Even went out for dinner with my boys the same evening and enjoyed myself once again.

Yesterday I was hesitant to get up for church because of all the "what ifs" that was coming in and out of my head. But the boys managed to get me up so I got ready and went. The sermon was fantastic. Pastor preached about "reconciliation" with god. I needed to hear this. The sermon almost brought tears into my eyes. I know that it's only recently that I have reconciled with the lord. I was so detached from him until something happened and he brought me right back to him. I know he never left me but I abandoned him for a while and consumed myself with other things. I'm glad that I went and enjoyed a nice lunch with the boys after church.

Lately I have been consuming myself with a farming game I came accrossed with on facebook. It seems to be relaxing me and helping get my mind of things. It's pretty exciting to plant your seeds and harvest your crops. Not that I would do it in real life but maybe I should. My therapist did suggest gardening as another form of relaxation. But for now I'll stick to a computerize farming. It helps and I'll take it.

This morning I woke up feeling okay. Didn't get as much sleep as I wanted but I wasn't anxious waking up. But I have been struggling here at work. I have been feeling anxious here and there again. I have been feeling a little off balance and feeling a little dizzy here and there...but I'm sure it's all in my head........I just want to get through the day. I want to go home early but that's giving into my anxiety. I'm going to fight through the day. It's going to be alright. Whatever I'm feeling are just physical symptoms...I shouldn't let it scare me..nothing bad will happen...repeat..nothing bad will happen...this will be on repeat until I get home.

I long for a better day at work tomorrow....

Happy Friday!

Literally! much better today. Woke up without any anxiety (knock on wood) perhaps it's friday and I only have to work a half day. So far so good today. Work has been busy but not too stressed out. I'll try to do something good for myself today to release some stress. Hopefully practice some progressive muscle relaxation when I get home before my son comes home from school. I will also try to spend some quality time with the little fella so that I can relax my mind and don't give myself too much time to sit around and think. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get myself out for a walk and do something fun with my family so that I can end my week a little better than last week. I'm tired of making promises to myself that I will make this week better than last. I'm slowly learning to accept my anxiety so that when it does come around, because I'm sure that it will I will be able to just accept and manage it.

I just hate the little pop ups that comes in my head now and then...grrrrrrr but I try to elimate them before I start to feel any physical symptoms...

Cheers to a good weekend!

just like a roller coaster ride

not that i would actually ride a roller coaster...I'm fearful of them! But that's exactly how I have been feeling this past week. It's been extra hard to get up in the morning. My anticipatory anxiety is definitely in full swing once I open my eyes. I need to practice some coping mechanisms to alleviate my anxiousness in the morning. I sleep well at night but perhaps I need more than 6 hours of sleep?

The days are a little bit harder this week than last week. Perhaps, I'm bored at work? Perhaps I'm consuming myself with my physical feelings and obsessing over them. sigh...I'm just thankful that I'm able to manage them but I have to tell ya at the end of the day I am so exhausted. I have to work harder to exercise more relaxation. Even my daily walks is a a little bit tougher this week. I keep thinking that I'm nauseous, dizzy..but I know it's all in my head. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Ever since I began blogging I have been reading up on a lot of other blogs. Some our very interesting and insightful. I have found many wonderful bloggers that relates to anxiety. It's so good to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I didn't imagine that so many suffer from different anxiety disorders and it's so amazing to know how strong and creative these people are in making themselves feel better. It helps me get through the day and gives me some reassurance. We all know how that us anxiety sufferers always seek some form of reassurance when we are feeling on edge and out of the loop...i'll take whatever I can!

Everything happens for a reason

I know god has a mysterious way of handling and fixing things...I often forget to remind myself that all the things that has happened in the last few months happened for a reason. If I didn't get pregnant, I wouldn't have known about the large cyst on my ovary. It's unfortunate that I lost the baby but I know god has a reason for everything. The daily struggle that I go through with my anxiety also has a reason. In my heart I believe that it's god's way to turn me back around and recognize what is really important in my life, in this lifetime. For a while, I was so blinded with what I "thought" was important to me. I was blinded with material things, hanging out and having a good time with friends etc etc...and during that time god was not present in my life. He was always in my heart but I never had a personal relationship with him. I knew he was my savior but I never gave him the time nor did I bother to get to know him. It's unfortunate that I had to go through such a battle to finally start calling out for him. I must have been so stubborn before that I never recognized him when he threw himself in front of me many times to call unto him for anything, but I ignored him. If this is what it takes for me to get to know him then I'm perfectly fine with it.

I'm going to embrace all the struggles that me and my family has gone through the last few months for I know there's a reason for it. I am happy for the struggles because it brought me closer to him and now have a personal relationship with him. I'm embracing the struggles because it made me realize that god is the center of our family and my heart. I'm embracing the struggles and the struggles that will come my way for now I know that things will be okay as long as he's behind me. I know the lord will not give me anything that I can't bare. If this is his way to call unto him...then I will call unto him not when I'm just afraid but also when things are good. I will call unto him screaming with all my heart...

I have a long way and a lot of learning to go...I know the lord will open my heart even bigger to get to know him even more and I'm happily looking forward to it.


"don't let your heart be troubled. Trust in god and trust in me" John 14:1

LUCKY

One of the things that is very important when one battles anxiety is support. Especially from your family. I have to say, ever since my battle with anxiety started my family meaning my son and my other half have been very supportive. I am so lucky to have them comfort me when I am feeling beside myself. There is absolutely nothing better than the warmth of the hugs and kisses of your love ones when you are stuck in a place you don't know how to get out of. The simple "you're going to be alright" takes my anxiety a notch down. I am thankful for their endless support even when they don't really understand how I feel. Their non judgemental approach is perhaps one with such a battle could ever ask for.

I am also lucky to have a personal relationship with the lord. He gives me so much hope and strength in each and everyday. I couldn't get through the day without him being by my side. He listens to my prayers and even when I'm not at my best he gets me through the day somehow.

I am so lucky to have such great men in my life....to eliviate some of my fears. Thank you for never giving up on me.

Open Invitation

Yesterday wasn't such a bad day. I had an okay day at work. Took a 45 min walk to the retreat center near work with a co-worker to say a prayer and ate pretty well. I felt anxious hear and there but I was able to just roll with it and pretend that it isn't there until it calms down. The thing about it is, I know that I invite most of these anxieties. Somehow I still don't know how to completely shut them out or completely divert my attention to something else. I still manage to openly invite them here and there through out the day. I still have a lot of work to do. I should really tell these anxieties to RSVP or the invitation are for VIP's only. Maybe that way I wouldn't have to experience too many of them through out the day :)

I still have a lot to learn. I still do not completely understand how I went from being completely "normal" to a person who's mind is constantly going. I know it was explained to me by my therapist many times but there are days that I still get confused, sad and frustrated. But I am glad that I have managed it naturally (for now at least) eventhough it's difficult and uncomfartable at times.

Is there anyone out there who can give me more advice on how to manage it?

Obsessed

I spent most of my weekend sitting and laying around the house which gave me plenty of time to obsessed over different symptoms I am feeling and self diagnosed myself once again. I don't know why I continue to do this to myself when I exactly know that laying around the house isn't the best for me and my anxiety. Yesterday I was obsessing about my heart once again. I was convincing myself again that I have heart desease. I focused on it so much the whole weekend that I actually started to feel symptoms. I know it's all in my head by I couldn't stop myself. Even if I knew how to stop it I just didn't.

I am so inconsistent with my battle. My therapist has given me plenty of tools to cope and I know them but yet I don't practice them consistently. What is my problem? Monday for me is alwayst the beginning. The beginning of my battle against this horendous anxiety. Mondays are always full of promises to myself. That I will eat better, exercise, do my breathing exercises etc...I usually stick to it for the most part of the week but when the weekend comes I fall apart again...Hopefully this week will be different for me. Maybe blogging daily will help me stay on track. I know I can do it. I have gone further from where I was since this whole thing started about 6 months ago but I sitll have a long way to go and I have to learn to accept that it is a lot of work especially if I choose not to be on any medication.

I can do it...the lord is behind me..."he has put his angels in charge of you to watch over you wherever you go"

writing my thoughts..

first time...thought I give it a shot. I have been dealing with my anxiety for about 6 months now. It all started after I suffered a miscarriage that was followed by a removal of my right ovary. That really damaged me and took me over the edge. When I came home from the hospital I started to feel anxious, I was listening to my body way more than I should and I was feeling on edge. I didn't understand these feelings and it started to scare me more and more as the days past. I was even afraid to take a walk outside or even drive. I associate myself with every little thing I see or hear on the television. I worry about having a heart attack or a stroke. Some days I listen to my body so much that I actually start to feel symptoms that made me even more anxious. I'm fearful of all the "what if's" and especially mortality. My anxiety slowly started affeting my life and my family. I am no longer the same person I used to be. The bubbly and carefree person who loves to laugh and enjoy her family and friends. So I have decided to start this blog in hopes that I can reach out, learn from others who are dealing with the same thing and release some of my stress/thoughts on this blog. I'm ready to take care of myself and face my anxiety and fears. I want my life back. I want to enjoy everything the lord gave us...