Indeed a better day...

than yesterday! despite of my lack of sleep I am feeling a little better today than yesterday. Although I was feeling a little bit anxious yesterday I still managed to take a walk during lunch and enjoyed the fall weather. The walk helped me get through the remaining part of my working hours.

I had a short burst of anxiety last night when I felt a tingly, prickling sensation under my right armpit that lasted for a mere 5 seconds. Needless to say I worried about it the whole night. (sigh) But I am definitely feeling better today despite off...

I know it may seem as I am getting no where despite of facing my fears etc..but I really do feel a lot better than when this whole thing started. I'm learning how to calm myself down and face my anxiety when they do come. I am still fearful of them but I'm starting to really think that I am a lot braver than I thought I was. Even if it doesn't feel like it's getting better I know it is better now than it was before. I'm just praying for more patience. I know it's going to take time but there are moments where I don't know what to do with myself anymore but when I have those moments I have learned to accept it and remind myself that it is going to get better shortly...

Hopefully the rest of the day stays calm. I was hoping to get the Cd's I ordered online of Dr. Claire Weekes and Echart Tolle but it hasn't came....I can't wait to listen to them..

Does anyone else feel these random sensations that I do?

I hope your day is good!

Queezy Monday

The weekend was great. I promised myself that I was not going to lay around like I did last weekend. Friday I treated myself for a manicure and a pedicure right after work. I usually get a little anxious during a mani and pedi (not sure why) but I managed to just take a deep breathe and relax. Afterwards, I waited for my son to get home from school. I waited in the driveway to prevent myself from going inside the house and go straight to our bedroom to lay down. When my son arrived from school, I asked if he would like to spend some time with me and go to the mall. We did just that for a few hours and managed to run a few errands. When we finally got home, my other half arrived from work and asked if I would like to have a "date" night. I know this is his way of him helping me. I usually say no to the "date" nights but as promised to myself I went. We went out to dinner had a few drinks and enjoyed myself. I usually have a good time when I do get myself out. The most difficult task is getting myself out really.

The next day I decided to get up early in the morning and not lay around and watch t.v. as we know laying around really gives me a lot of time to be anxious. I got up and started working on the laundry. Not my favorite thing to do but I wanted to get my mind off things. I had anxious thoughts here and there but I managed them. Even went out for dinner with my boys the same evening and enjoyed myself once again.

Yesterday I was hesitant to get up for church because of all the "what ifs" that was coming in and out of my head. But the boys managed to get me up so I got ready and went. The sermon was fantastic. Pastor preached about "reconciliation" with god. I needed to hear this. The sermon almost brought tears into my eyes. I know that it's only recently that I have reconciled with the lord. I was so detached from him until something happened and he brought me right back to him. I know he never left me but I abandoned him for a while and consumed myself with other things. I'm glad that I went and enjoyed a nice lunch with the boys after church.

Lately I have been consuming myself with a farming game I came accrossed with on facebook. It seems to be relaxing me and helping get my mind of things. It's pretty exciting to plant your seeds and harvest your crops. Not that I would do it in real life but maybe I should. My therapist did suggest gardening as another form of relaxation. But for now I'll stick to a computerize farming. It helps and I'll take it.

This morning I woke up feeling okay. Didn't get as much sleep as I wanted but I wasn't anxious waking up. But I have been struggling here at work. I have been feeling anxious here and there again. I have been feeling a little off balance and feeling a little dizzy here and there...but I'm sure it's all in my head........I just want to get through the day. I want to go home early but that's giving into my anxiety. I'm going to fight through the day. It's going to be alright. Whatever I'm feeling are just physical symptoms...I shouldn't let it scare me..nothing bad will happen...repeat..nothing bad will happen...this will be on repeat until I get home.

I long for a better day at work tomorrow....

Happy Friday!

Literally! much better today. Woke up without any anxiety (knock on wood) perhaps it's friday and I only have to work a half day. So far so good today. Work has been busy but not too stressed out. I'll try to do something good for myself today to release some stress. Hopefully practice some progressive muscle relaxation when I get home before my son comes home from school. I will also try to spend some quality time with the little fella so that I can relax my mind and don't give myself too much time to sit around and think. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get myself out for a walk and do something fun with my family so that I can end my week a little better than last week. I'm tired of making promises to myself that I will make this week better than last. I'm slowly learning to accept my anxiety so that when it does come around, because I'm sure that it will I will be able to just accept and manage it.

I just hate the little pop ups that comes in my head now and then...grrrrrrr but I try to elimate them before I start to feel any physical symptoms...

Cheers to a good weekend!

just like a roller coaster ride

not that i would actually ride a roller coaster...I'm fearful of them! But that's exactly how I have been feeling this past week. It's been extra hard to get up in the morning. My anticipatory anxiety is definitely in full swing once I open my eyes. I need to practice some coping mechanisms to alleviate my anxiousness in the morning. I sleep well at night but perhaps I need more than 6 hours of sleep?

The days are a little bit harder this week than last week. Perhaps, I'm bored at work? Perhaps I'm consuming myself with my physical feelings and obsessing over them. sigh...I'm just thankful that I'm able to manage them but I have to tell ya at the end of the day I am so exhausted. I have to work harder to exercise more relaxation. Even my daily walks is a a little bit tougher this week. I keep thinking that I'm nauseous, dizzy..but I know it's all in my head. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Ever since I began blogging I have been reading up on a lot of other blogs. Some our very interesting and insightful. I have found many wonderful bloggers that relates to anxiety. It's so good to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I didn't imagine that so many suffer from different anxiety disorders and it's so amazing to know how strong and creative these people are in making themselves feel better. It helps me get through the day and gives me some reassurance. We all know how that us anxiety sufferers always seek some form of reassurance when we are feeling on edge and out of the loop...i'll take whatever I can!

Everything happens for a reason

I know god has a mysterious way of handling and fixing things...I often forget to remind myself that all the things that has happened in the last few months happened for a reason. If I didn't get pregnant, I wouldn't have known about the large cyst on my ovary. It's unfortunate that I lost the baby but I know god has a reason for everything. The daily struggle that I go through with my anxiety also has a reason. In my heart I believe that it's god's way to turn me back around and recognize what is really important in my life, in this lifetime. For a while, I was so blinded with what I "thought" was important to me. I was blinded with material things, hanging out and having a good time with friends etc etc...and during that time god was not present in my life. He was always in my heart but I never had a personal relationship with him. I knew he was my savior but I never gave him the time nor did I bother to get to know him. It's unfortunate that I had to go through such a battle to finally start calling out for him. I must have been so stubborn before that I never recognized him when he threw himself in front of me many times to call unto him for anything, but I ignored him. If this is what it takes for me to get to know him then I'm perfectly fine with it.

I'm going to embrace all the struggles that me and my family has gone through the last few months for I know there's a reason for it. I am happy for the struggles because it brought me closer to him and now have a personal relationship with him. I'm embracing the struggles because it made me realize that god is the center of our family and my heart. I'm embracing the struggles and the struggles that will come my way for now I know that things will be okay as long as he's behind me. I know the lord will not give me anything that I can't bare. If this is his way to call unto him...then I will call unto him not when I'm just afraid but also when things are good. I will call unto him screaming with all my heart...

I have a long way and a lot of learning to go...I know the lord will open my heart even bigger to get to know him even more and I'm happily looking forward to it.


"don't let your heart be troubled. Trust in god and trust in me" John 14:1

LUCKY

One of the things that is very important when one battles anxiety is support. Especially from your family. I have to say, ever since my battle with anxiety started my family meaning my son and my other half have been very supportive. I am so lucky to have them comfort me when I am feeling beside myself. There is absolutely nothing better than the warmth of the hugs and kisses of your love ones when you are stuck in a place you don't know how to get out of. The simple "you're going to be alright" takes my anxiety a notch down. I am thankful for their endless support even when they don't really understand how I feel. Their non judgemental approach is perhaps one with such a battle could ever ask for.

I am also lucky to have a personal relationship with the lord. He gives me so much hope and strength in each and everyday. I couldn't get through the day without him being by my side. He listens to my prayers and even when I'm not at my best he gets me through the day somehow.

I am so lucky to have such great men in my life....to eliviate some of my fears. Thank you for never giving up on me.

Open Invitation

Yesterday wasn't such a bad day. I had an okay day at work. Took a 45 min walk to the retreat center near work with a co-worker to say a prayer and ate pretty well. I felt anxious hear and there but I was able to just roll with it and pretend that it isn't there until it calms down. The thing about it is, I know that I invite most of these anxieties. Somehow I still don't know how to completely shut them out or completely divert my attention to something else. I still manage to openly invite them here and there through out the day. I still have a lot of work to do. I should really tell these anxieties to RSVP or the invitation are for VIP's only. Maybe that way I wouldn't have to experience too many of them through out the day :)

I still have a lot to learn. I still do not completely understand how I went from being completely "normal" to a person who's mind is constantly going. I know it was explained to me by my therapist many times but there are days that I still get confused, sad and frustrated. But I am glad that I have managed it naturally (for now at least) eventhough it's difficult and uncomfartable at times.

Is there anyone out there who can give me more advice on how to manage it?