GRATITUDE

When my battle with anxiety started, my whole world turned upside down. Because of it I became a different person. I am no longer the happy go lucky person that I used to be. I no longer enjoy spending time with family and friends because I fear that my anxiety might blow up at any time. The simplest task has become so difficult to do. I am missing so much in my life, in my son's life and the people around me whom I care for and love.

I no longer feel my gratitude. Instead of pondering on what I am currently feeling I should really show my gratitude and be thankful for still being here, having a great family, having a great god, friends, my hands, my feet, my ears, my eyes..well you get the point...I hope from this day forward when negative thoughts or feelings come passing through I can replace them with my gratitude and just remember the great things I still have in my life.

"Look at what you have left in your life, never look at what you have lost. At a time of sorrow you are so overwhelmed and swamped by the shock and pain and the grief that you are not even conscious of the JOYS that are alive deep under that blanket of grief. Determine to uncover your smothered joys and let them breathe and flourish again! There are many things that you are still thankful for even though you do not feel your gratitude. Begin by reminiscing. Relive your HAPPY memories. Treat yourself to replays of that great collection of joyful experiences that have occurred in your past. There are many wonderful things that happened to you in life."

mentally and physically exhausted

The past week has been rather tough. It literally felt like I was back to square one. My muscles are aching, I'm feeling all sorts of weird sensations and my mind is on over drive. The worst part is I believe this all started from one single physical sensation that carried on all week and completely sensitized me. It's been a struggle trying to get out of this rut.

Last night after shutting the lights off and saying my prayer I started to scare myself. I was telling myself "I think I'm dizzy" then I actually started feeling some sensation and I thought that it would totally blow out of proportion but I managed to shut it off before it got worst and managed to have a good night's rest.

I know I'm not suppose to question things because I believe when I do start questioning I start to fight what I'm feeling therefore it causes me to have anxiety. But sometimes I can't help but question if this is going to be my life from now on...Constant battle within myself. I know I may just be saying this now because I am not at my best but it does cross my mind once in a while and it scares me.

I know that I will never get my old self back again but how can I manage the new me? Perhaps I haven't truly accepted my anxiety as I thought I have.

gloomy tuesday

literally!!! we were blessed to see the sun yesterday but it didn't stay long hopefully the sun will decide to join us again soon but we are expecting rain again on the forecast :( despite of the gloomy day I managed to take a walk during my lunch hour which helped me released some of the tension I have been feeling today. Today is a little better than yesterday. I felt slightly anxious earlier and was breathing from my chest. I'm feeling a little better at the moment and hopefully it will continue on when I get home from work. I can't exactly pinpoint the cause of my edginess the last few days. I can't recall anything triggering it perhaps it's just my hormones? or is it me adding extra fear to my initial fear and my body is overreacting to it. Whatever it is I hope it doesn't welcome it stay any longer.

I'll take another walk this evening to the grocery store with the hubby to avoid sitting around in our room and pondering on my feelings and thoughts.

Wheeeeewwww this is so tough..sometimes it feels like everytime I take a step forward it pushes me 10 step back! i'll try not to let it discourage me....gotta keep on fighting on!

monday blues.........

Tough morning so far. Tough pass few days to be exact. The weather on my end has been rainy and cold. Today is the first day that we have seen the sun since last week. I don't know if that has anything to do with my mood. Friday we had freezing rain and I came in to work a bit anxious. I got through my 4 hour shift and went about my errands afterwards. During my errands I was able to steer my anxious thoughts and sensations aside and managed to see a movie in the evening despite of the uneasiness. Most of my Saturday morning was spent laying around and I managed to get up late afternoon to have dinner out with my boys and to catch my nephew's football game. During dinner I was focusing on what I "think" is dizziness and managed to give myself a little bit of a headache. I was feeling off balance during the game and still focusing on what I am feeling. It was uncomfortable but I managed to get through the evening and tried my best to have a good time.

I spent my whole Sunday laying in bed. I wasn't feeling anxious but I think after the past few days my body and my mind was exhausted and just wanted to lay around and do nothing. I did just that and I was able to have a good night's rest.

I got up this morning already dreading my day ahead. Perhaps it is what's causing my anxiousness. I have been feeling a little dizzy here and there and I'm trying really hard to divert my attention to something else besides what I am physically feeling. I truly just want to go home and curl up under the blanket but I think I'm going to try to stick this one out. I'm not going to let my anxiety get the best of me today. I'm a bit fearful of it, but I think I can calm it down. It's the physical sensation that I hate but hopefully that too will soon subside.

Going for an afternoon walk despite of feeling uneasy...I know it will make me feel better.

I hope your day is better than mine...

sensitized

Yikes! as I am writing this I literally feel a little bit sensitized. After coming back from my lunch hour walk I started to feel a little anxious :( Not really sure what triggered it but I'm trying to just accept it and write and let the sensations past. The last week has been very busy. The family and I traveled to Minnesota for the weekend to visit family and that went quite well. I didn't feel anxious at all. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it considering the lack of sleep and exercise. Coming back to work yesterday wasn't bad at all. I didn't feel any anticipatory anxiety in the morning and went about my day and enjoyed the evening at home. I wasn't able to get much sleep last night because of some late night t.v. and waiting for my other half to come home from hanging out with his friends. Maybe my slight feeling of anxiety is coming from my lack of sleep? perhaps from worrying about getting sick as everyone around me in the office are sneezing and coughing? who knows but hopefully it doesn't extend it's welcome too long. (slowly breathing in and out)

Hopefully this friend of mine doesn't linger through the evening. I'll be sure to get the much needed rest this evening and do some muscle relaxation. I am feeling some muscle soreness around the shoulder/back area. I should also get back to listening to Eckhart Tolle's The power of now to get more relaxation. My listening has been put off while traveling over the weekend.

I'm slightly feeling a little better...2 hours closer to the much needed relaxation.....breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out....

I hope you're day is better than mine :)

busy busy busy bee...

The last few days has been busy busy busy..We spent our weekend in Ohio visiting family. It was a nice getaway to get my mind busy with other things other than my own worried thoughts. I was a bit anxious but I still managed to enjoy the short trip with my family. I kept myself occupied in the car by listening to Dr. Weekes's CD...

Dr. Weekes's voice is so reassuring and calm but yet very firm. Listening to her CD really made me feel as if she was talking to me directly. She spoke about how most of the fear that anxiety sufferers have continues because we add on more fear to our initial fear..Hence all the weird sensations and sometimes panic. She also talked about how to truly accept your anxiety and let your body go through the sensations and remind ourselves that it will all soon go away. I know that most of us at this point already know this....but it's always good to be reminded...Her CD is probably one of the things I will carry with me at all times and listen to.

I am now starting to listen to Eckhart Tolle's "The power of now" so far so good...his voice is also soothing....I heard many great things about his book and I'm hoping to gain a lot from it....

I hope you're having a great week so far....

Dr. Claire Weekes

Happy Friday! the last few days has been better. I've had a few bouts but I was able to accept it and let my body go through the sensation. I'm slowly learning more to truly accept my anxiety rather than saying that I do accept it. Thanks to Dr. Claire Weekes! I have been listening to her CD "Pass through Panic" the last day or so and I must say that it is truly great. I can listen to it over and over again. I have learned a lot from the first CD and I am looking forward to listening to the other one over the weekend. Her voice alone is so soothing. I truly recommend it!

So far I have been very consistent (for the most part) with my diet and exercise the last two weeks and I have to say that it truly helps with my anxiety. Although it doesn't completely eliminate everything but it plays a big role in my recovery. I'm hoping to be able to stay consistent. I have also been reading up on a lot of blogs and came across some wonderful ones! It's so good to know that there are so many ways of reaching out to others who suffers the same issues. It is also a blessing that these people are gracious enough to respond to my comments and give great advice and coping tools. I truly appreciate it.

My goal for this weekend is to make it as good as last weekend. I'm sure thoughts and sensations are going to pass through here and there but I am okay with it. I will do my best not to fear them and be patient when they do come and remind myself that it will not harm me and that it will go away....

I hope your week was great and that your weekend will be even greater!